Thursday, 26 May 2011

OCEAN OF BEANS

An enjoyable and tasty way to relax after a hard days work for any bean lover is slipping into a bathtub filled to the brim with Heinz Baked Beans. Unless that bean lover is Jeff Bridges of course. A bath full is nowhere near enough to quench the insatiable bean lust of Jeff. He needs something bigger. Much bigger. That's why he announced his plan today for the ultimate bath of beans. And by bath I mean ocean!

Jeff is planning to completely drain the Pacific Ocean. The largest body of water on earth covering 63 million square miles is set to have its 87,189,915,062,857,142,857 gallons of water replaced with beans! In a project that is set to take as long as three weeks, Jeff intends to pump all of the oceans water into space, via an enormous funnel. Then billons of tonnes of beans will be dropped into the empty chasm that remains by Jeffs personal fleet of helicopters. Jeff will then wallow in the ocean of Venice Beach, Los Angeles,  for a press conference lasting several minutes, after which he will be met by a represenative of the Guinness Book of World Records. Jeff will then consume every single bean in the next couple of days, and the empty ocean floor shall be converted into a huge bean farm, with the sole purpose of feeding Jeff.

Critics of the project claim that it is scientificaly impossible, and if it goes ahead will kill the billions of animals species that live in the ocean. Enviromentalists have been holding mass protests in cities across the world."This is a ridiculous vanity project that will destroy our planets largest and richest ecosystem," said one furious protester. "Countless species will go extinct all so this beanotistical Hollywood celebrity can beat a world record." In response to his many critics, Jeff said "Go fuck yourself. If I want an ocean of beans I'll have a fucking ocean of beans"

Many commentators draw similarities between the ocean of beans project of and Jeffs "Beantopia" plan several years ago. Jeff intended to detonate hundreds of neutron bombs across the enire continent of Asia, wiping out the entire population. The vast wasteland that remained after this genocide was intended to be turned into a massive field of beans, with the radiation left by the explosions enhancing the beans size and growth. Jeff was forced to reluctantly abandon the project, due to time constraints filming Tron 2 and the threat of miliatary intervention by every nation on Earth.

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