Thursday, 26 May 2011

OCEAN OF BEANS

An enjoyable and tasty way to relax after a hard days work for any bean lover is slipping into a bathtub filled to the brim with Heinz Baked Beans. Unless that bean lover is Jeff Bridges of course. A bath full is nowhere near enough to quench the insatiable bean lust of Jeff. He needs something bigger. Much bigger. That's why he announced his plan today for the ultimate bath of beans. And by bath I mean ocean!

Jeff is planning to completely drain the Pacific Ocean. The largest body of water on earth covering 63 million square miles is set to have its 87,189,915,062,857,142,857 gallons of water replaced with beans! In a project that is set to take as long as three weeks, Jeff intends to pump all of the oceans water into space, via an enormous funnel. Then billons of tonnes of beans will be dropped into the empty chasm that remains by Jeffs personal fleet of helicopters. Jeff will then wallow in the ocean of Venice Beach, Los Angeles,  for a press conference lasting several minutes, after which he will be met by a represenative of the Guinness Book of World Records. Jeff will then consume every single bean in the next couple of days, and the empty ocean floor shall be converted into a huge bean farm, with the sole purpose of feeding Jeff.

Critics of the project claim that it is scientificaly impossible, and if it goes ahead will kill the billions of animals species that live in the ocean. Enviromentalists have been holding mass protests in cities across the world."This is a ridiculous vanity project that will destroy our planets largest and richest ecosystem," said one furious protester. "Countless species will go extinct all so this beanotistical Hollywood celebrity can beat a world record." In response to his many critics, Jeff said "Go fuck yourself. If I want an ocean of beans I'll have a fucking ocean of beans"

Many commentators draw similarities between the ocean of beans project of and Jeffs "Beantopia" plan several years ago. Jeff intended to detonate hundreds of neutron bombs across the enire continent of Asia, wiping out the entire population. The vast wasteland that remained after this genocide was intended to be turned into a massive field of beans, with the radiation left by the explosions enhancing the beans size and growth. Jeff was forced to reluctantly abandon the project, due to time constraints filming Tron 2 and the threat of miliatary intervention by every nation on Earth.

Saturday, 5 March 2011

ENOUGH BEANS FOR JEFF AT THIS YEARS OSCARS?

A few weeks ago we reported on the thousands of barrels of beans being prepared for the 83rd Academy Award Ceremony in Los Angeles, solely to quench the relentless bean thirst of Jeff Bridges. It was hoped that the near to five hundred million individual beans shipped in would be enough to fill Jeff's stomach, and avert anything similar to his infamous berserk rampage last year, after it was revealed to him they'd ran out of beans. Thanks to Jeff seventeen Oscar guests remain wheelchair bound, only capable of eating through use of a straw. Three are in permanent comas.

So was there enough beans this year?







































NO








Wednesday, 23 February 2011

OH OH! WHAT'S JEFF BEAN UP TO THIS TIME?

Article taken from the Guardian about Jeff!!!!

The ancient legends of the Magazaki tribe predict the coming of a creature that will bring great woe to their land. It is described as a hairy monster with an enormous appetite, that scours the earth consuming all in it's path. This prophecy, passed down for a hundred generations, has been eerily fulfilled in the present day land of Magazaki, now known as the African nation of Zengala.
Although one of the smaller African nations, Zengala had a strong economy and low poverty levels compared to some of its larger neighbours. This economy was almost completely reliant on the bean industry. Nearly every bean known to man has been grown in Zengala. Per head of population, Zengala was the top bean producer in the world, sending beans to all corners of the globe, and relying on them as the main diet of the people.
This is not the case anymore. The country is in chaos. Barely a single bean remains. The Economy is non existent. Unemployment levels are near to 100%. Famine and disease are soon to follow.The cause of Zengalas rapid and calamitous collapse? The Hollywood actor Jeff Bridges.
Oscar winning actor Bridges, 61, known to millions as the Dude from "The Big Lebwoski" visited the country last week in a tour of Africa, as part of the "No Kid Hungry Campaign", of which he is official spokesman. Bridges was met on his arrival at the airport by Zengala ambassador Gafarii Mulobanga, who gave us this account of what happened.
"Bridges was very polite. He spoke very kindly to me, I had no idea what he was capable off. We were driving back from the airport and I told him about my country. I told him that beans made up almost all our economy. I told him about the vast fields of beans, our many warehouses full of beans, the forest of beans, the lake of beans, and our enormous bean mine. I then realised Bridges had gone very quiet. I looked at him. I saw his eyes. I had seen eyes like these before before. They were the eyes of a madman."
What follows defies belief. Bridges threw himself out of the Ambassadors car, and ran screaming with what was described as "orgasmic ecstasy", and disappeared into thick forest. For several hours Mulobanga and his men searched for him, but assumed this was just normal behaviour for a Hollywood celebrity.
The next morning Zengala awoke to find itself almost completely beanless. Over one hundred square miles of bean fields were empty, parched and desolate. The forest of beans was no more. The lake of beans was dust. Every bean warehouse had been broken into, their contents gone.
Bridges was eventually found at the famous great bean mine of Zengala, finishing off the last remaining beans in the country. The Army was considering shooting him, but were denied permission as Bridges was a celebrity. An eyewitness described the scene.
"He was just shovelling bean after bean into his mouth. I've never seen any creature eat as fast as he did. Many people had gathered. The army was pointing guns at him telling him to stop. But he didn't listen. He just kept eating more. Until......until every bean was gone."
After eating an estimated two billion individual beans in less than twelve hours, Bridges cheerfully signed a few autographs for the horrified crowd that had gathered around him. Chuckling and rubbing his stomach, he then boarded a flight and flew home to the US, leaving the country in chaos. Aid is now being flown in by the United Nations World Food Programme, to try to stop the famine that seems likely to grip the country soon. Several western countries are planning to donate emergency beans until Zengala gets back to normal. However, it looks like it will be years, if not decades for the country to recover, if it ever does. When asked if legal action was going to be taken against Bridges a spokesperson for the UN replied -
"I mean what can we do? He's like won an Oscar and everything."
The question is - why would a respected, mild mannered Hollywood actor, who's only past misdemeanours have been minor attempted acts of cannibalism at awards ceremonies, suddenly destroy the economy and agriculture of an entire country, threatening thousands of lives? Only Jeff Bridges knows the answer to that.


We know the answer too of course. Jeff just loves his beans!!!!!!


Zengala before Bridges came to visit...

And after

Monday, 21 February 2011

OSCARS BRACE THEMSELVES FOR BRIDGES BEAN BANQUET

 It's almost that time of year again. In less than a week the 83rd Academy Award Cermony will be held in Los Angeles. Whilst they will be worries about the stage, lighting, music, presenters etc etc there is one thing that has got the organisers of the Oscars more stressed than anything else - will there be enough beans for Jeff Bridges?
"Last year it was a disaster!" said chief of catering Dominic Sprunk, referring to Jeff Bridges infamous violent rampage.
"We knew Jeff loved his beans, so we had about eighty barrels of them. But he just ate so many! He'd devoured every barrel after fifteen minutes. Then he just started bellowing for more! He got so angry he bludgeoned a waiter into a coma with the Academy Award he'd just won. He ran around screaming attacking anyone in his path. Some people are still in wheelchairs! It was crazy! It was almost as bad as the times he's tried to eat Sean Bean and Rowan Atkinson."
This year Sprunk and his colleagues are hoping they will be able to avoid another bean fuelled bloodbath. Over one thousand barrels of beans of several varieties have been shipped in for the event.
"I think we have nearly five hundred million individual beans for this years ceremony. Surely he can't eat that many!"
We'll just have to wait and see.

The moment the unfortunate waiter told Jeff they'd ran out of beans...
Jeff was maddened by blood lust and lack of beans

THE BIG LEBOWSKI PREQUEL - IT WILL HAVE BEANS IN IT!

We imagined we had another world exclusive interview with Oscar winning directors the Coen Brothers. This time they spill the metaphorical beans on there latest collaboration with Jeff Bridges.

Q: The Big Lewbowski is one of your most popular and iconic films? Why has a followup taken so long?
EC: The reason it's taken so long is special effects. After we made Lebowski in 1998 CGI technology just wasn't advanced enough for what we wanted to do. But now it's at the level we can finally go ahead and make the film.
JC: The movie is a prequel to the original. It's got all the central characters in it, the Dude, Walter and Donny, except they're all seventeen and at high school. We're calling it the Little Lebowski.
EC: We've got Jeff reprising his role, aswell as John Goodman, Steve Buscemi and John Turturro.
EC: The problem is all these actors are over the age of fifty. And we need them to play teenagers.
JC: So we used similar special effects used on Jeff in Tron to make all the actors look younger. We shot most of the film on a bluescreen with actual teenagers playing the other characters, and then added in the main cast by using motion capture.
EC: The special effects are just astounding. It almost looks like they're real people.
JC: Yeah they really are amazing.
EC: Amazing.
JC: Amazing.
Q: So what's the plot all about?
JC: The plot? Oh yeah that. Well we were originally planning a fun gross out comedy about the Dude and friends getting stoned whilst trying to outwit the school bully, played by Danny Trejo. We had a time travel subplot too.
EC: But Jeff refused to do the movie unless the entire plot was about beans.
JC: So it's just really the Dude, Walter and Donny as CGI teenagers in a high school eating beans.
EC: Yup.
JC: Thats bout it.
EC: Oh and there's this one scene where the Dude drinks a white russian with beans in it.
JC: Yeah, it's got no milk, no vodka and no kalua in it. Just beans.
EC: That's the movies climax. Now the special effects in that scene were...
Q: Ok, so we'll be seeing Jeff Bridges eat a lot of beans in this movie?
JC: You bet!
EC: That's about all he does.
JC: We went through 12,000 tonnes of beans making it.
Q: Well that's all we at the Official Jeff Bridges Bean Blog need too know. Thanks again guys.

The film is coming soon. Possibly.

"JEFF BRIDGES TRIED TO EAT ME" - SEAN BEAN INTERVIEW

Actor Sean Bean is reportedly terrified of being eaten by Jeff Bridges. In an exclusive interview we had with him conducted via a fairly reputable psychic, the British actor, most famous for his role as Boromir in the Lord of the Rings, revealed that Bridges has tried to eat him on several occasions.
"The first time I met Jeff was about ten years ago at the Oscars." Bean told us. 
"He acted completely normal until I told him my name. This weird look came in his eye and he just leapt at me, gnashing his teeth. He bit me on the ankle. Luckily there was plently of people there to drag him off. I still have the scars though ."
There next encounter was at another awards ceremony a few years later. Bridges this time bit off Beans index finger.
"Luckily they got it on ice very quickly managed to reattach it. It was horrible though. I just thought to myself, why me?"
Bean now doesn't attend any award cermonies, fearing that Bridges will try to eat him again. He has also refused to work in any films with Bridges. 
"I was offered the part of Tony Stark in Iron Man. When I found out Jeff was in it, I turned it down."
We explained to Bean about Jeff Bridges obsessive love for eating beans.
"Oh well, that explains it I guess." he said.

Sunday, 20 February 2011

SHOCKING SUBLIMINAL BEAN MESSAGE FOUND IN CRAZY HEART SONG

During an interview last year with ABC News, Jeff Bridges performed the song "The Weary Kind" from the movie Crazy Heart. What nobody realised until now, it that subliminal messages about beans had been inserted into the song, probably by Jeff Bridges himself. Constanly trawling the internet in a deseperate attempt to find something Jeff Bridges and bean related, we were shocked when we discovered the hidden messages in the video below. It really is blink and you'll miss it, but if you pay attention Jeff makes a very discreet reference to what we assume and repeatedly claim he loves most in the world - beans!
video

TRUE GRIT SEQUEL WILL HAVE "BEAN CENTRIC" PLOT

With the success of Jeff Bridges latest film, True Grit, we believe that a sequel is highly likely. The Official Jeff Bridges Bean Blog imagined talking to directors Joel and Ethan Coen about the probable film. Below is our theoretical interview.

Q: So what is True Grit Two all about?
JC: Well its set four years after the events of the first film. Jeffs character Rooster Cogburn is planning to retire as a US Marshall, but is drawn into one final adventure. Its a very different film in tone.
EC:  Yes, it's definately more light hearted . Martin Lawrence plays Roosters wisecracking, banjo playing sidekick, and he brings quite a lot of comic relief. We also have a great scene where Rooster hallucinates and his horse starts break dancing.
EC: It's also got a lot more action. We have a fantastic swordfight atop Mount Rushmore and an amazing shootout in a dynamite factory.
JC: I would say the most important part of the film is beans.
EC: Oh yes, beans are absolutely central to the plot.
JC: At first Jeff wasn't keen about doing the sequel, especially as he didn't like our idea of giving Rooster telepathic powers. But when we mentioned beans, he was in.
EC: Yeah Jeff sure loves his beans!
Q: So how do beans fit into the film?
EC: Well a  group of Mexican bandits led by Nicholas Cage intercept a train carrying 5000 tonnes of beans into Arkanas. When Rooster finds out the beans have been stolen he goes on a quest to get them back, and get revenge.
JC: Whilst we never really focused on Roosters love of beans in the first film, we really do in this one.
EC: Rooster would kill a man over a single bean.
JC:  Yes, and he does on several occasions.
Q: What followers of the Official Jeff Bridges Bean Blog really want to know is - will we get to see Jeff eating beans in the film?
JC: Of course!
EC: Infact I'm trying to think of anytime Jeffs onscreen and he's not eating beans.
JC: Eh, yeah you're right, Jeff is just constanly eating beans. Even during the final chase scene in the bi-planes.
Q:That sounds really amazing guys, looks like its going to be a beantastic movie!



The release date for the film is not yet known, as is any confirmation of its existence.

BREAKING NEWS: JEFF BRIDGES POSSIBLY DRAWS PICTURE OF BEAN

Jeff Bridges has been photographed drawing a picture of a bean for a fan, possibly. In this amazing photo Jeff can be seen with a sheet of paper. Is he drawing a bean? We think so. Although no photograph was taken of what Jeff wrote on the paper, we believe that there is a high possibilty it was a drawing of one or more beans. It is difficult to tell from the photo, but we believe he may have coloured in the beans, probably with an orange crayon. We also believe that there is a high possibility that after drawing the beans, Jeff went straight to a restuarant and consumed plate after plate of beans. If we were to interview someone who had been in this restuarant at the time, we have a feeling they would say "It was amazing. He just ate so much beans!"

Hopefully we will be able hunt down the lucky fan who has this amazing bean artwork and get an image on the blog asap.